Marni Gillard

I would love knowing what they LIKE in the story, but MOSTLY what works best in the journey chapter. If I have to cut that chapter what do they think can go? What should stay?

I really like her reality in "My Artistic Journey with HIGH DIVE." Her sense of realism is quite intriguing. I feel like when I read her work, it is very "down to earth." She writes in a very interesting, but real way. "Every gasp or laugh, every puzzled or entranced face potentially affects the story, if I let it. Each of these details appeared because of some listener’s response: the drawn-out sound-effect of falling from the board, the smack as I hit the water, the way I wiggle my ruffle-bottomed suit and snap my bathing cap, my frown at the big kids' teasing, and Dad’s blowing bubbles with Meg." This I think shows her reality, but this quote I think is what works the best in the journey chapter. There are so many vivid comparisons that she uses, I feel like I can see a vivid description of each. When she said the smack as I hit the water, I could hear a large belly flop, and the ear piercing sound that results from that. These descriptions are so detailed and real, I can close my eyes and see her wrinkeled bathing suit, with her bathing cap, and the sad face she is showing. ""What's the point of getting mad now?" I whine. But as soon as those words leave my mouth, we’re both laughing. We have met at this crossroads of resistance before and recognize its familiar pull. Doug recognizes an old habit of giving up though I really want to fight for myself." I feel like this whole part isnt really necessary. I just dont think it contributes to feeling or order of the story. The description of her hitting his hands, and saying that they were like her fathers just doesnt contribute to the development of the story. "

Although I resisted facing my dad's less-than-sympathetic side, I was able to do so by making a small but important adjustment in the tale. I began to give my brother Jimmy the role of ally. When he cries at just witnessing my fall and then offers me his favorite towel, he becomes the one person who acknowledges my pain." I feel like this part needs to stay because it shows how her brother feels. It shows how she feels also. It shows that she can trust her brother, as if he was her father. She can now trust him, and can consider him an ally, and a supporter. When he shows emotion, I think that it shows how much her actually does care.

1/12 Speaker = (****)